Stranger Things Have Happened

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Topic: Stranger Things Have Happened

Mpregguy

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Date: Mon Jun 6 8:18 PM, 2011

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Stranger Things Have Happened

By Matthew and Elizabeth

October 6

It had been a long day for me at Whicker University after classes. I was still adjusting to life during my Sophomore Year in college as a Chemistry major. Of course, nothing in life was ever simple for me, especially lab work. Though I loved using the laboratory on campus for a variety of reasons, I never knew exactly what I was testing for. I was horrible at designing experiments, and even worse at testing them. My most famous lab blunder was that time I spilled thioacetimide (which you may know as the stuff in stink-bombs) all over a fellow student, and she smelled like she had sat on rotten eggs for three days.

It was a horrible debacle for me, and I don’t think she ever forgave me for it. But I was lucky this year, very lucky indeed, to be lab partners with the most brilliant person I know. Her name is Emily Betrand, and I am so lucky to be with her. She’s a biochemistry major, and she is extraordinarily brilliant. I knew her slightly my freshman year, and I thought she was just another pretty face in school. But then I got a chance to work with her, and she is right down-to-business in the lab all the time. She knows exactly what she needs, and is very precise at measuring it. She designs procedures, and creates new chemicals. In the lab, she can even stump the professor on some subjects.

And there’s something else: I’m completely in love with her. I always thought she was very pretty in looks freshman year, but after I saw how funny and smart she can be, I just fell for her completely. I love my lab periods just so I can spend time one-on-one with her. God, I wish this semester would never end. However, I know for a fact, I’m just a friend to her. She doesn’t think of me romantically like I do of her. She laughs at my jokes, and we can carry a good conversation, but that’s it.

She’s dating Kevin Forraldi, who is one of the most neanderthallish people I’ve ever had the misfortune of knowing. He always pops b the lab to say “hello” to his girlfriend, and every time he does I feel like I’m forced to watch as they make out with each other for minutes on end. God, why don’t they just make love right there on the table and cut out the foreplay? It would save me a lot of time and agony. Kevin walks around like he’s the “big man on campus” type, but he really isn’t. He’s just another pompous jerk who got a free ride on his lacrosse scholarship. He thinks he has a future in the sport, but he doesn’t. I’m just comforted by the fact that twenty years from now when I’m his boss, I’ll be calling the shots for him. But still, I just can’t wait for the day that she realizes that the two of them are intellectually unequal, and she breaks up with him. At least, I hope that’s a viable reason for ending a relationship.

Anyway, that’s how life was for me that October morning when we were both in the lab. I was working with Emily on one of her semester-long projects. Every student was supposed to do his or her own, but I knew I could coast along hers to get a good grade. She needed the help, and I needed the marks. There was no way the professor was going to say “no”. She and I were working tirelessly on some large batch of chemical she was throwing together. She was trying to create a simple way to attain simple medicines, like aspirin, ibuprofen, or any other sort of pharmacy chemical, from common minerals. We had done a lot of the lab work already. Well, to be honest, she had done most of the work. I just added five milliliters of whatever when she told me, and added so many grams of whatever salt when she told me. It was the only way I could learn.

She came back to our table swirling a flask with clear liquid inside. She took her pen and wrote down something in her lab notebook. I immediately intended to copy. She looked up at me and set the flask down.

“Well,” she began, “Do you know where we’re at?”

“Certainly.” I said trying to formulate what was going on in my head, “We need to add, um…” I was completely blanking, “Um…”

“Nothing.” She completed my statement, “We need to add nothing.”

“A ha!” I said, “I was about to say that.”

“No you weren’t.” she smiled at me. At least she found my arrogance amusing, “We just need to get the lead out of there.”

“Lead?” I asked, “Like lead metal?”

“Lead ions.” She said, “They’re floating around in the solution and they basically make the whole thing poisonous.”

“That’s too bad.” I said, “We could get them out-“

“We can’t use Chromate.” She said, “Was that what you were going to say?”

It was exactly what I was going to say, “No.” I lied, “We could add a variety of things.”

She rolled her eyes, “I’m going to get the book to look up something related to this. While I’m gone, don’t touch anything, okay?”

“Sure.” I told her.

“Okay.” She cautiously walked away.

I stood there just staring down at the table and at the flask. It was mind-numbingly quiet, and I did not thrive well in quiet environments. I knew something was going to happen while I was all-alone.

Suddenly, my throat tickled and I felt the urge to sneeze. I sneezed quite violently and knocked one of the nearby shelves. I heard the sound of glass move around, but then all was quiet again. I guessed I was still okay. Suddenly, I heard a dripping noise like a faucet running very lightly into a cup already half-full. The room then filled up with the horrible stench of rotten eggs. I turned around, and saw a clear liquid spilling out of a brown bottle directly into Emily’s flask. I panicked, and tried to set the bottle right again. I capped it and corked it, but it was too late. The thioacetimide which I had spilled in the past, spilled and contaminated a month’s worth of work.

Immediately while I was in mid-panic, Emily came right back to our table. She had the book in her hand. Right as she set it down she sniffed. “Whoo, did someone fart?” she asked.

“No.” I said, “Just sulfur.”

“Oh my God, you didn’t spill it into the flask did you?” she asked.

“Yeah, it kind of did.” I was too nervous to see what would happen next.

She then slapped her hand to her forehead and groaned. “Goddamn it we were so close!” Emily was furious, “Don’t you know how bad this is?”

“Yes.” I said, “It’s going to be a hassle to remove.”

“We might as well just start over with so much less time now.” She complained, “This stupid experiment just went nowhere from the beginning!” She picked up the flask and examined it. Both her and I saw that there was a black powder on the bottom that there hadn’t been before. “Oh my God…” she began.

“That looks like lead!” I said.

“It is!” she said with excitement, “It is! Oh, Will! Your clumsiness saved us this time!”

“It did?” I asked unsure.

“Yes!” she said, “That was exactly what we needed to get the lead out! We just ended up eliminating weeks worth of waiting!”

“Great.” I said as excited as her, “That’s great for both of us.”

“Yes!” she smiled. She proceeded to give me a large hug, to which I was very receptive. I savored the embrace, though she thought it only friendly. I didn’t even realize that I wasn’t letting go early enough. “Um, Will?” she asked sounding confused.

“Oh! I’m sorry!” I said, “I’m just so excited…”

“Sure.” She said, “We can continue on Thursday.”

“Sure.” I said quietly and normally.

October 9

I was back again in the lab with Emily. We were both just sitting there staring at our flask waiting for something, anything to happen. “So.” I said realizing the ridiculousness of what we were doing, “Where do we go from here?”

“I have no clue.” She said.

“Really?” I asked, “Because I feel the same way.”

“I’ve experimented myself into a corner.” She said, “I don’t understand why were aren’t getting the chemical we need.”

“No idea at all?” I asked.

“None whatsoever.” She said, “I mean, I can try adding acid again.”

“Sure.” I said, “What would that be, the fifth try?”

“I think seventh time.” She said as she brought over our flask, “I’ve lost track.” I waited as she went to get the acid.

I sat there at the desk. All of a sudden I heard, “Ow!” from her followed by the phrase, “Son of a bitch!”

“What’s the problem?” I went over to her.

“The glassware was broken!” she said, “I cut myself.”

“Oh dear.” I went over to her. I looked at the palm of her hand, which had a long but very thin cut down her palm. She was bleeding a little bit, though it looked like little.

“I’ll get a napkin.” I said.

“Oh no.” she said again, “Look.”

I looked at the flask where she was pointing, and saw a drop of blood made its way down the side of the glass into the chemical. “It’s contaminated again.”

“I think so.” She said, “This won’t bode well for us.”

“Wait,” she held up her hand, “See the chemical?” As the blood droplet disappeared into the solution, a fine white powder began to form on the bottom. “See?” she said, “That’s the chemical we need!”

“How’s it coming out now?” I asked.

“It must be the oxygen in the blood.” She said, “I’ll see if I can squeeze out a little more.”

“That’s probably not healthy.” I said.

“Don’t be a stinker.” She said, “I only need five-ish drops.”

“Not too much, though.” I watched as she squeezed the palm of her hand over the flask. I could see small drops of blood run down the side. It was rather creepy for me to see, so I had to turn away.

“Done.” She said, “Now I’m going to get a bandage.”

“I’m going to get a drink.” I said, “We’ll meet back here?”

“Yeah.” She said to me.

I began to walk away to the nearest lab sink. I wanted a good drink of water, and the nearest working fountain was a long way down the hall. If I could drink tap water out of a beaker, that would be okay with me.

However, while I was gone, Emily was doing a little work I didn’t know about. What she was doing (or what I was told she was doing) was pouring out the liquid in the flask and leaving behind the solid. She then dissolved it in a beaker of water. She ten poured a beaker of water for herself, and set it aside for later tests. Then she left to get a bandage.

I went to the nearest sink to get the water. Unfortunately, there was a sign posted to the faucet saying, “Out of order for repairs”. I rolled my eyes and went back to our lab station. I saw the beaker on the counter and the nearly identical one next to it. Only, one had a piece of tape on the side, which had written on it the words, “tap water”. Assuming it was good, I drank the whole beaker down. But my poor lab practices aside, I hadn’t realized that the beaker was mismarked, and I didn’t know it then. I just set down the beaker and filled it again with water, and waited for Emily to return.

I saw her come back with a large bandage wrapped around her palm. “Hey.” She said, “Where’s the chemical?” she asked.

I pointed to the identical beakers. “Oh good.” She said, “I remember which one it is.”

She poured the two beakers together into one mixture, and looked back at me. “Let’s get to work.” She said.

October 31

It was Halloween on campus. I used to love going to the parties thrown by my friends in celebration of the holiday. Instead, this year I was more preoccupied with my frequent nausea and vomiting. The entire week I just was completely under the weather, probably with some sort of stomach bug, and I could tell it was really getting in the way of things.

I awoke on the morning of the 31^st, as usual, ready to throw up. I closed my eyes and held my stomach. I didn’t want this to happen. My roommate, Georgie Lambeth was already up and eating breakfast. I moaned slightly in my bed. “Are you awake and sick, or just sleep moaning?” Georgie asked.

“The first.” I said groggily, “If I move I’m going to throw up.”

“Geez.” I could tell Georgie was annoyed by this. He got up from breakfast and brought the wastepaper basket over to my bed. “Just use this.” He said nonchalantly.

“I don’t want to have to use that.” I said.

“And I don’t want to have to clean up chunky vomit from the floor.” Georgie said, “If you’re going to throw up, just get it out of your system now.”

“But wait, I just need some time.” I said.

“Just do what you want.” Georgie said, “Just leave me out of it.”

At that moment, the contents of my stomach just let loose into the trash. I felt awful as I was throwing up and Georgie could tell. “Good God, Will.” Georgie couldn’t even eat his breakfast, “Get yourself checked out.”

“I think I will.” I sat up from bed. I took the trash bag containing my vomit out from the bin and tied it up tight. “I’m taking this to the dumpster first.”

“Just make sure you don’t have anything contagious.” Georgie said, “And if you do, let me know.”

“Fine.” I said quietly. I trudged outside the room in my slippers, still holding the foul smelling garbage bag. I went outside the dorm, and I went around back and threw it in the dumpster. I then trudged back to where I was before. As I walked in, I saw Georgie already dressing in his Halloween costume. “A little early for trick-or-treating, wouldn’t you say?” I asked.

“Oh this?” Georgie turned around, “I’m just making sure it fits.”

“Great.” I said, “Does it?”

“Yeah.” He said, “It’s good. I guess this means I can wear it to class.”

“We can wear costumes to class?” I asked, “Good, ‘cause I have this awesome thing planned-“

“You’re not going to class today.” Georgie said, “Not after what just happened?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, “I feel fine now.”

“It doesn’t matter.” Georgie said, “You’ve been like this for days, and I don’t want anybody catching anything contagious.”

“No one’s going to catch it!” I began to whine, “I feel great now!”

“Yeah, I’ll say.” Georgie returned to his costume, “Two minutes ago you were throwing up and could barely get out of bed, now you sound like you could do a lap around campus.”

“So?” I got defensive.

“It just mood swings, is all.” Georgie said.

“I’m not having mood swings!” I shouted, “I’m just going through a thing right now, and I could really use some class time to get over it.”

“That sounds counterproductive.” Georgie said, “You don’t want to go to class today anyway. You should get some rest, and hope that stomach thing doesn’t come back.”

“It won’t!” I was starting to sound like a child, “I want to go to class today, and you can’t stop me!”

“I can if I tell the professor what you were doing this morning.” Georgie warned, “He won’t like a sick kid in class.”

“Oh, goddamn it Georgie, help me out for once!” I stomped my foot.

“Cool down!” Georgie told me, “Don’t let your temper flare. I just want to keep myself and other classmates healthy, if that’s such a bother.”

“You’re right.” I calmed myself down, “I probably should stay here, and just get some rest.”

“Right.” Georgie said, “That’ll be best. I’ll get the class notes for you.”

“Okay.” I said, “I just feel really weird right now. It’s like my insides are churning around.”

“It’s probably nothing.” Georgie said, “Just see the nurse, and get plenty of rest.”

“Right.” I said, “And I also I should-“ I wasn’t able to complete that thought, as I had just vomited back into the wastepaper basket.

November 27

It was the day after Thanksgiving, and my classes were on break. I decided that I would head home, and see my family again, on their house on Long Island. After all, it was the time of year they were there. I thought I’d spend a little time with them during my break.

I drove up to my family’s driveway and looked to see what cars were there. I could see that my mother was home, as well as my Aunt Lola. She was one of the fun ones in the family. I knew that if my mom was here, my sister too must be. She was the family’s most beloved, in that she made everyone around her love to strangle her. She had a tendency to be annoying, self-involved, and just rude. She was sixteen; three years younger than I, and just expected everything good to happen to her. But we still loved her like a normal human being, despite her complete disregard for basic human decency.

I parked my car in the family’s large driveway, and made my way up to the house. I rang the doorbell and waited for a second. After a moment, my mother came to the door, looking very happy to see me. “Ah Will!” she said, “So good to see you!”

“Great to be home, mom.” I said. “I hope I didn’t come to early.”

“No, believe me, it’s okay.” She said, “Come in!”

I came in the house, and immediately the old rustic feel set in. I was going through my memories, as feelings of nostalgia flared up. “Lisa!” she said as she called my younger sister, “Lisa! Now, wherever could she be?”

“I she even awake?” I asked.

“She should have been hours ago.” My mom said, “She was supposed to water the front lawn before lunchtime.”

“How’s that worked out for you?” I asked.

“Not well.” My mother said, “She’s been more trouble than usual this year. She’s still beaming from that whole ‘sweet sixteen’ bash we had to throw her to keep her quiet.”

“Has she done any work looking for colleges?” I asked, “Or does she think they’ll come looking for her?”

“I’m not sure if they think she’s worthy of their rejection letters.” Mom said, “Honestly, now do you think we can get her into school if her grades don’t turn up?”

“There’ll be somebody, mom.” I said.

“There had better be.” She said.

I could then hear Lisa taking her precious time marching down the stairs. She came over to the kitchen and stared at both my mother and I, with that dour face she always had and me. I could tell she couldn’t have been more than ten minutes out of bed. “You again?” she asked, “I thought trash pickup didn’t happen on holiday weekends?”

“You still have your biting wit going on for you, sister.” I said very grimly, “How do you feel this morning?”

“Like ****.” She said sitting down at the breakfast table, “School starts too early, I need more sleep time and break time.”

I just wanted to laugh at her. I hadn’t gotten a good night’s sleep at all in the past week, owing to random illnesses, and other disturbances of the sort. But I held my tongue and rolled my eyes. “I already had breakfast.” My mother said, “If you want it you can get it yourself.”

“What else is new?” Lisa was just a plucky little ball of sunshine today.

“So how’s life at Whicker?” my mother asked, “Any different than Freshman year?”

“It feels nice to be an upperclassman to someone.” I said, “I just can’t wait until I enter a real science position, in the real world.”

“You still have time.” My mother said, “Enjoy it while it lasts.”

“’Cause God knows you’ll have to come right back here after getting your little diploma.” Lisa said, “Good luck on the job search.”

“Thanks very much.” I said, “May I use the bathroom, mom?”

“No you can’t, you have to **** your pants until you leave.” Lisa said.

“Lisa!” mom was offended by that quip, “Go ahead.”

So I went through the living room to the bathroom, and did my business. While I was finishing up, I noticed something quite peculiar. Where there had once been a flat belly, there now was a slight paunch. It was hardly noticeable at first, and completely unnoticeable if I had a shirt covering it. But I could feel that it was slightly harder to button my pants. Maybe I was finally gaining that weight my mother told me to gain in order to be healthy. (I was always underweight).

Anyway, I decided to reenter the kitchen, where Lisa and my mother were already arguing. “Well I don’t care if your life gets in the way, you’ll just have to stomach through High School like everybody else.”

“But all my friends have dropped out!” Lisa said, “And they’re doing just fine!”

“You’re so close to the finish Lisa, and now you just want to give up?” mom complained, “That won’t get you anywhere in life.”

“So what?” she said, “You can make a career out of anything these days. Hell, even a fry cook can move up the ranks with wisdom and good behavior.”

“Do you honestly believe that someone will pick a high school dropout for a promotion, even a meager one, over a college degree? Fat chance.”

“You just don’t know about the workforce today!” Lisa said, “You just don’t know what I’m capable of!”

“What are you capable of?” mom asked argumentatively.

“I can move up the corporate ladder.” She said, “I can work the system!”

“You can’t work the system without the right attitude.” Mom said, “Talk like you are right now, and you’ll be stuck with a life full of regrets!”

“You know what?” Lisa stood up and shouted, “You don’t know me! You don’t understand! Just leave me alone, and I’ll be great someday!” she began to storm out of the door, “And I’ll be great one day whether you like it or not!” She slammed the door behind her, and my mother shrugged and turned around.

“Good Lord.” I said, “Has she lost it?”

“Welcome to my world.” Mom said, “I used to get upset when she flipped out like this, now it’s part of our daily routine. Just wait and watch, she’ll come home teary eyed, and look to reconnect with me in the afternoon, that lasts about fifteen minutes, and then she’ll brood in her room for an hour, tune me out until dinner, and she blows up again at dinner.”

“God, she has a short fuse.” I said.

“Will,” my mother said, “I have no idea how you could have turned out to be the nice clean-cut kid, and she turned out to be the psychotic brat. We probably just went wrong somewhere along the line.”

“It’s okay mom.” I said, “Maybe she will get over this.”

“She had better.” Mom said, “Because mark my words, the minute she leaves the house, I’m changing the locks on the doors.”

“You don’t have to go that far, mom.” I said.

“She has to learn to behave at one time or another.” She replied. “Now please, have something to eat.”

I sat down at the breakfast table very normally, and just looked down at the newspaper like I did when I still lived there. It was all very familiar to me. The feeling of nostalgia made me feel warm inside, or so I thought. I glanced out the window casually, as everything proceeded normally from there.

December 24

I rushed hurriedly along the empty campus walkways and hallways. I walked frantically, and I trudged over the snow that had fallen last night. In my right hand, I clutched a little white stick, which was the cause of all my worries. My heart raced furiously, and I could feel my stomach twist and turn over what I had seen.

I rushed through the snow, passing a few students, who were all packed and ready to go home over Christmas break. I was packed too, but I needed a few more minutes to talk to someone, someone I could trust. I ran down the hallways until I reached room D225, Professor Klein’s room. I rushed inside as quickly as I could, and hoped that Judy Klein would still be there. She was my bioengineering professor, and I thought she might have known about my little problem. “Professor Klein!” I shouted as I ran into the room, seeing her at her desk.

“Will?” she looked astounded to see me, “Will, it’s Christmas Eve, most of the students have already left on break.”

“I know.” I said, “I’m packed, I just-“ I didn’t know how to explain to her what I had to say.

“Well, is there an urgent problem?” she asked, “Because you know, I have family coming to pick me up in ten minutes.”

“I know.” I said, “I just had a little unexpected problem.”

“A bioengineering problem?” she asked.

“Yes, sort of.” I said unsure of myself, “All the others professors left, and you’re the only one who really knows about the subject.”

“Alright.” She closed the book she was reading, “I’m ready for another problem before the vacation. Let me hear it.”

“Fine.” I said, “You see I’ve sort of been ambiguously, well, putting on weight.” I said. I lifted up my sweatshirt, and exposed a belly which was noticeably bigger, and swollen. “You see, I was putting on weight, even though my diet had stayed the same, and I was doing everything to stay fit.”

“There are numerous explanations for your problem.” She said, “Decreased metabolism, stress rates, psychosis…”

“I know.” I said, “But I noticed I was really only putting on belly fat, as I just showed you. Then about two weeks ago I showed one of my friends, and he joked about me being pregnant. I laughed it off, but my mind just was consumed with the idea. So this morning, as a joke, I bought a pregnancy test, and decided to take it.”

“Is that what you have in your hand?” she pointed at the test I was holding.

“Yes.” I said, “It’s positive.”

I laid the little white device down on her desk. She picked it up and looked at it. “Are you sure this is a real device?” she asked, “Not one of those made-for-pranks tests that always comes up positive.”

“Absolutely.” I said, “I bought it from a reputable brand at a reputable pharmacy.”

“I see.” She said, “Well, these little things can be inaccurate. Even if you were really pregnant there would still be a nine in ten chance that you would get a false negative, and if you weren’t pregnant, there would be a nine in ten chance it would give a false positive.”

“Right.” I said, “So it may be wrong?”

“Take about five more.” She said, “If you really want to accurately gauge what’s happening.”

“What if they all come out positive?” I asked hypothetically.

“There could be a number of explanations for that.” She said, “You could have a hormone mix-up, maybe part of a small glandular problem, you could have just an abnormally high level of progesterone in you naturally. Either way, if the tests were to come out all positive, you should check with your doctor about having your blood tested. If you have a hormone problem, that’s natural, and it would lead to a false positive pregnancy test.”

“Thank you.” I said, “That clears up most things.”

“What else is there?” she asked.

“Could a guy be engineered to get pregnant?” I asked, “Disregarding all ethical violations, could you create a guy who could get pregnant if you tampered with him from birth?”

“Hm, a person with a y-chromosome having a baby?” she asked, “You could definitely do it. Provided that you started cultivating unfamiliar organs inside a male baby. You know, stimulate the growth of a uterus, or implant it. Have regular hormone treatments until his body is so screwed up, it won’t know the difference. Then all you have to do is wait for him to menstruate, and he can get pregnant. Of course, you’d have to engineer an artificial birth canal, seeing how the baby leaving through any other orifice would be unhealthy, and potentially fatal. You understand that doing this would require thousands of dollars, plus tons of ethical violations, and moral boundaries we’ve overstepped, you see.”

“I see.” I said, “Could it be induced y any other means?”

“Well…” she said, “Now that you think of it, there are only three factors that prevent men from getting pregnant. The first is that they have no eggs to start with, the second is that there is no place to gestate, the third is that there is no birth or nurturing mechanism. But if an egg was added to a male system through some chemical reaction, the first factor is eliminated. Performing a c-section or creating an artificial birth canal alleviates the third.”

“And the second?” I asked, “Is there a place inside a male body that the baby could naturally incubate?”

“I don’t see any.” She said, “This sounds too far-fetched to happen.”

“Thank you, Professor.” I said.

“I have to go.” She said as she packed up her room. “Be good over the holidays, and remember, you’re probably not pregnant. So just keep that in mind.” She laughed, and laughed with her as we waved goodbye. I stopped laughing and placed my hand on my swollen belly. There was some deep force within me that was desperately urging me to consider the possibility that she was wrong.

January 6

“Pregnant?” Georgie looked at me with ridicule all over his face, “You honestly think you’re pregnant?”

I took another swig from the gallon-sized water jug I held in my hand. “I said it’s a possibility.”

“Remote at best!” Georgie was nearly laughing, “You think that this could possibly happen to a man?”

“Well, yeah.” I said, “I know it’s the most bizarre of my options, but I think there’s a possibility, however remote, that I am pregnant.”

“Your body’s full of it.” Georgie said, “And now you’re stocking up on fluid in order to urinate?”

“That’s right.” I took another swig from the water jug, “I need to take five of these tests at once, and so I need plenty of urine.”

“Well, just consider those other options first.” Georgie said, “I mean, there could be any one of a number of possibilities.”

“That’s what Professor Klein said to me.” I said.

“She’s right.” Georgie said, “There are just so many options, and you’re focused on the big, but very unlikely one.”

“Well, I just think weight gain, belly roundness, nausea, vomiting, fatigue, and cravings are enough natural signs to justify a pregnancy diagnosis.” I said.

“Don’t jump to conclusions.” Georgie waved his finger at me, “I mean, men can have a hysterical pregnancy. It’s called Couvade syndrome. It’s the idea that a man can think he’s pregnant, and therefore begin to show signs of pregnancy. It’s almost indistinguishable from the real thing, like any hysterical pregnancy. You can even go into labor unexpectedly. Of course, you won’t be birthing anything, but the power of suggestion goes far.”

“So?” I asked as I drank from the water jug again, “Then maybe I have a hysterical pregnancy going on.”

“Maybe.” Georgie said, “Even if all these tests are positive, that doesn’t prove anything. All it does show is that you are extremely influenced by outside circumstances.”

“That is true.” I said, “That is me.”

“Do you know anybody who’s pregnant?” Georgie asked, “Maybe a friend, family member, that sister you keep griping to me about?”

“No.” I said, “Why does that matter?”

“Well Couvade syndrome usually happens to a man who is suppressing jealousy of a pregnant woman he knows. Like a wife, cousin, sister, you know. It could also be anxiety, but I fail to see any reason why you should be experiencing this now. I mean it could happen spontaneously but-“

“Hold that thought!” I interrupted him as I now felt the urge to urinate. I ran into the bathroom, bringing each of the tests with me. I held them all in a row, and unzipped my fly. As I went in the toilet, I waved each of the tests so that a little bit of urine would fall onto all of them. Unfortunately, I had to wash my hands very well, because I may have missed on that occasion slightly. Luckily though, I was able to get all of them going. It would take a minute for the tests to process the results.

“Okay!” I said as I walked out of the bathroom, “Now we wait.”

“I just think you’re full of it.” Georgie said.

“If the ‘it’ you’re talking about is a child, then yes I might be.” I said.

“I thought you already conceded the point that it was a good possibility.” Georgie said, “You’re really not pregnant, you know?”

“Just wait.” I said, “Take the tests, and see for yourself.”

“I’m not touching them!” Georgie backed away, “They’re glazed in your urine! Why would I even remotely want that?”

“I wiped them down.” I held out the five testing devices, “Just take them.”

“No!” Georgie said, “Just tell me when they appear.”

“Fine.” I said. I anxiously looked down at the pregnancy tests. I looked at the first as the result became clear. “Positive.” I said. I put it down and looked at the second, “Positive.” I said again. For the third, fourth and fifth I looked down at the results. “Positive.” I said for each one of those tests. “Well.” I said as I set the tests down, “This proves something.”

“This proves nothing.” Georgie said, “A hysterical pregnancy is indistinguishable from a real one, test-wise.”

“Well, at least that narrows down what’s happening to me.” I said.

“Well, not by much.” Georgie said, “The only other option other than hysterical pregnancy, and real pregnancy was that you were ambiguously gaining weight in your stomach alone, while experiencing pregnancy symptoms. That’s about as likely as the ‘real pregnancy’ option.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” I said, “I just wonder why this whole thing started?”

“Well, when did it start?” Georgie asked. “When did you first start thinking you were pregnant?”

“Well, there was that joke I heard in mid-December.” I said, “I guess that was the first time I actually thought I was pregnant.”

“Yeah.” Georgie said. He was clearly in deep thought. He snapped his fingers and looked at me, “Halloween, remember?” he asked.

“What?” I asked.

“The week before Halloween you had that weird stomach bug, remember?” Georgie pointed out, “Maybe that was morning sickness.”

“Probably.” I said, “I do remember starting to feel different the week of the 23^rd.”

“Right.” Georgie said, “So that’s when the problem started. What were you doing the 23^rd?”

“Well the 23rd of October doesn’t really matter here.” I said, “If I were really pregnant, I would have conceived the baby two weeks prior to that.”

“You’re not really-“ Georgie was frustrated.

“Just give me the benefit of a doubt!” I said, “Just assume, so we can consider all viable options.”

“Fine.” Georgie said, “Two weeks before October 23^rd would have been October 9^th. What were you doing the ninth?”

“Where’s my agenda book?” I asked, “I would have written it down.”

Georgie handed me my personal leather-bound agenda. I opened it up and looked at “October 9^th” of last year. I saw written down, “Lab with Emily, dinner at Louisa’s.”

“Well, two things.” I said, “I had a lab period that day. And then I had dinner at Louisa’s Restaurant on Fair Street.”

“Louisa’s?” Georgie asked, “Didn’t they close down last year?”

“Yeah it was weird, they were doing so well.” I said, “Could have been for health code violations?”

“Your guess is as good as mine.” Georgie said, “But I’ve never heard of anyone getting pregnant from tainted meat.”

“It doesn’t have to be meat.” I said, “It could have been anything.”

“What did you order?” Georgie asked.

“Hell, I don’t know!” I shouted, “Do you think I remember what I ordered at a dinner with acquaintances three months ago?”

“No.” Georgie said, “What about the lab? You weren’t experimenting on yourself, were you?”

“No.” I said, “That was the day that Emily finished her experiment. It was something about medicines being extracted from minerals.”

“Well there’s something.” Georgie said, “Did you eat it?”

“Of course not!” I said indignantly, “Do you think I’d be that dumb?” I had no idea how false this proposition was at the time.

“Well, it just seems suspicious.” Georgie said, “You didn’t inhale anything bad, did you?”

“Well, I spilled sulfide three days prior to that.” I admitted, “That releases noxious fumes.”

“Millions of people have smelled sulfide before.” Georgie shook my head, “I’ve never heard of anyone getting knocked up because of it.”

“We could go on.” I said, “Maybe it’s something we’re overlooking.”

“I bet it started in the lab.” Georgie said, “The pregnancy, the hysterical pregnancy, whatever the hell it is.”

“Maybe.” I said, “In the mean time, I need to check to see if this is a real pregnancy.”

“Don’t even bother!” Georgie said, “I’ve almost had it with this crap!”

“Hey!” I said with my indignation flaring up again, “Thousands of people spend thousands of dollars on preventative medicine, because there’s only a miniscule chance that they’re sick. Why can’t I get that for a fraction of the cost? There’s no reason why I shouldn’t.”

“No gynecologist would take an appointment for you.” Georgie said, “They don’t want to waste your time.”

“You’re right.” I said, “But I need some sort of positive confirmation I’m not pregnant. You know what that would be?”

“I think so.” Georgie said, “I’ve heard that people with a hysterical pregnancy will have their symptoms disappear and their bellies deflated when anesthetized.”

“No!” I said, “What if I was really pregnant? That is extremely harmful to the baby?”

Georgie rolled his eyes and sighed, “Fine, what did you have in mind?”

“An ultrasound.” I said, “It’s the safest way to see.”

“I think you’re student insurance doesn’t cover that.” Georgie said, “You’d still end up paying a good amount.”

“I’m working on that.” I said, “There’s got to be an answer.”

“I bet that answer is, ‘I’m not pregnant.’” Georgie said, “If you have an idea that’s even remotely sane, I’d be willing to listen. Otherwise, just try to relax, and see if this thing goes away.”

“Okay.” I said, “But keep in mind what you just saw.”

“How can I forget?” Georgie said sardonically.

__________________

The one and only pregnant man of Middlesex County

Mpregguy

Veteran Member

Status: Offline

Posts: 124

Date: Mon Jun 6 8:19 PM, 2011

Permalink Closed

February 1st

“I fail to see what this is all about.” Emily said as Georgie and I walked with her towards the Office of Student Health Services. “You guys haven’t told me why you need me to go with you guys to the doctor’s yet.”

“Don’t you trust us?” I asked, knowing Emily was a friend of the both of us.

“Yes, but this is pushing it.” She said, “You guys told me that you needed my help with a big activity today at this time. So I freed up the time in my schedule because I thought this was important.”

“Just explain it, Will.” Georgie said.

“Fine.” I said as I stopped in my tracks.

“We noticed that something really weird was going on…” I stumbled over my words.

“With him.” Georgie continued, “He’s uh, got some weird symptoms.”

“I think that I might be-“ I started.

“Might be!” Georgie emphasized.

“-going through a hysterical pregnancy.” I continued.

“Before you get that look in your eyes, just hear us out!” Georgie urged.

“Right, here’s my belly.” I said. I lifted up my shirt, and showed her my visibly expanded stomach.

“Yeah, and he took a few pregnancy tests a while back, and they all came out positive.” Georgie said.

“Yeah, I was just struck with morning sickness really often.” I said.

“It got really bad.” I added.

“And we just wanted to see if this was a hysterical pregnancy, or whatever might be going on.” Georgie continued.

“In here.” I patted my belly.

“So we scheduled an ultrasound.” Georgie continued, “And we needed you for the… um, appointment.”

Emily just stood there staring at the two of us, with her mouth hanging open. It was clear we had overwhelmed her.

“Maybe we should explain again.” Georgie said.

“I really think I should go.” Emily began to walk away.

“No wait!” I caught up to her, “I just needed to tell you, and we really need this. Just listen, please?”

Georgie and I gave our ‘embarrassed and sorry’ faces to her. Hopefully that garnered enough sympathy for her to stay. She rolled her eyes and looked at me, “What do you need me for?” she asked.

“Well, we needed our ultrasound appointment to go through.” I explained, “So, we needed to have a legitimate reason to get time for it. Unfortunately, a hysterical pregnancy doesn’t count, so we needed a better reason. We were hoping you could be that reason.”

“Me?” Emily asked, “How are we doing this?”

“You’ll need this.” Georgie said as he held a bean-pillow over his head.

“Why do I need that?” Emily asked curiously.

“It’ll be your baby.” Georgie explained.

“You can’t be serious.” She looked disappointed at us.

“I wish we weren’t.” I said, “Come on, Emily. It’s dire circumstances, and we really need you to play pregnant for this one. Please? I know I’ll owe you a favor next time, but can you please help us now?”

“Please?” Georgie asked, “If you say no, this whole thing we’ll fall apart on us at the last moment.”

She rolled her eyes one last time, “Let’s just do it quick.” She said as she grabbed the pillow from Georgie.

“Thank you.” I said, “Once we get into the doctor’s office, we can convince him not to give an ultrasound to you, but instead to me.”

“Good luck with that.” She said was walked to the office.

Inside, Emily had the pillow placed under her shirt, which proved to be an effective second-trimester shaped belly. She looked pregnant enough to pass by the receptionist’s eyes. The three of us walked up to the receptionist and waited for her response. “May I have your names please?”

“Appointment for Emily Bertrand.” I said, “It should be under my name.”

“And your name is?” she asked.

“William LeClair.” He said, “Just look up that.”

She flipped through her planner and wrote something down on a pad. “Your appointment should begin in five minutes. Please take a seat.”

“Thank you.” I said. We walked over and sat down in the waiting room. Sitting across from us was another couple, a man and a woman. The woman was pregnant, I could tell. I had never met them before, probably students of the liberal arts wing with which we never associated. I tried to avoid eye contact with them, and I could tell Emily was too. Georgie just pulled out a manga he had conveniently kept with him and buried his face into the pages. I just sat around occasionally glancing across the room. The couple were looking at the three of us suspiciously, as we just tried to avert our gaze.

“Well, um…” the man across from us said, “I don’t believe I’ve met you guys before.”

“No I don’t think so.” All three of us said simultaneously, upping the awkwardness of the room another level.

“My name is Will.” I said, “I’m a Chemistry student.”

“How exciting.” The girl said, “I’m a History major, myself.”

“Really?” Emily feigned interest, “So you’re from across campus from us?”

“Are all three of you in science?” the woman asked.

“Yes.” Each of us said individually.

“I’m into biochemistry.” Emily said.

“Physics.” Georgie said very softly. I nudged him in order to get him to take down that stupid comic book he was holding and actually pretend like he was interested.

“How exciting.” The woman said, “We both are history majors actually.”

“Is that how you know each other?” I asked clearly feigning interest.

“Yes.” He said, “We got into this relationship freshman year.”

“And we’re expecting a boy in June.” She said.

“How thrilling.” Emily said.

“And yourself?” the woman asked, “I see you’re here for the same reason.”

“This?” Emily laughed nervously and touched the pillow under her shirt. “Yes, I’m having a baby too.”

“Yes.” I said, “It’s nice.” I smiled really widely.

Georgie had to bite his finger to keep from laughing. “So, is it a boy or a girl?” she asked.

“Boy!” I said.

“Girl!” Emily said right afterwards.

We looked at each other very nervously, “Girl!” I shouted.

“Boy!” she shouted at the same time. We looked at each other again rather frustrated.

“We don’t know.” I said.

“Saving the discovery for the big day, uh?” the man asked.

“Sure.” I said, “That’s it.”

“I take it you’re the father, am I correct?” he asked.

“Indeed he is.” Emily smiled as she grabbed my hand. My heart soared as she held my hand, even if it was an act. I could feel my heart beating faster at that moment.

“Yes.” I said, “That’s how it is.”

“How thrilling.” The woman said, “I wish you and yours the best.”

“You too.” I said. I turned to Georgie and saw him staring off into space. “And he does to!” I pointed to him.

“Who does?” Georgie asked.

“You do!” I said.

“Do what?” he asked.

“Wish them health and happiness, and all that jazz!” I mumbled.

“Indeed I do!” Georgie smiled awkwardly.

“Appointment for LeClair?” the doctor said as he opened the door to the waiting room.

“Us!” Emily, Georgie, and myself all said at the same time.

“Okay!” the doctor said, “Unfortunately, the regulations state that only the patient and the father can come into the appointment.

“Okay!” I said. I turned to Georgie and whispered, “Just wait here, we’ll only be ten minutes tops.”

“Got it.” Georgie said, pulling out his manga again. I rolled my eyes and followed Emily into the exam room.

“Well,” the doctor said, “you are scheduled for an ultrasound, so I will ask that you pull up your shirt, and get on the exam table.”

“Okay, doc we really need to talk to you about something serious before this.” I said.

“What is it?” he asked.

Emily pulled the pillow out from under her shirt, “I’m not the pregnant one, he is.”

“What?!” the doctor was in shock.

“No doc, let me explain!” I said, “I think I might be having a hysterical pregnancy, so I wanted an ultrasound to confirm what was going on down there!”

“Wait, what?” the doctor was flabbergasted.

I pulled up my shirt and showed him my expanded belly. “I just need to know what’s happening.”

”So you scheduled and ultrasound for her, in order to get one for yourself.” The doctor said, “I’m pretty sure I violate the Hippocratic Oath one way or another.”

“Please, doctor.” I said, “I just need to know.”

He looked at me and shrugged, “Up on the exam table, let’s go.”

I did precisely that. I waited as the doctor gelled my belly and the ultrasound wand. He looked down at my stomach and commented, “Really does look pregnant.” He said, “I’m guessing this is couvade, if anything.”

“I hope.” I said.

The doctor turned on the monitor and began the investigation. “Well it looks normal to me.” He said. “I don’t see any-“

He paused and squinted at the screen. “Oh my God…” he said.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“There’s heartbeat..” his words faded away.

“What the-“ Emily looked at the screen.

“I don’t know completely what I’m seeing, but I do know I’m seeing a heartbeat in there.” He said.

“Wait, what?” I asked.

“And there’s the rest of it.” The doctor said.

“Of what?” I asked.

“The fetus.” He explained.

“Wait, so there’s fetus in me?” I asked.

“This pregnancy sure isn’t hysterical.” The doctor said, “Oh my God..”

“Holy crap.” Emily said as she backed, “Holy crap.”

“Oh no.” I said, “I guess I was right.”

“This is unprecedented.” The doctor said, “I have no idea what to do about this.”

“I can’t believe this.” Emily said, “It’s beyond anything I’ve ever seen.”

“Is there anyone who knows anything about male pregnancy?” I asked, “Anyone at all?”

“There may be one.” The doctor said, “There’s a specialist I know who lives in Islip. He’s come up with some radical theories about men getting pregnant. He’s just about lost his reputation because of it, but you prove that he was right all along.”

“Can we see him?” I asked, “And be discreet about it?”

“Be careful about the discretion part.” He said, “But yes, you probably can.”

“I think I should.” I said as I got off the table.

“I’ll keep this between us.” The doctor said, “But you have to do your part. And come back again for other appointments.”

“Yes sir.” I said. I walked out into the waiting room. I quickly beckoned to Georgie and had him go out of the office with us.

“So?” Georgie asked, “What’s the prognosis?”

“I can’t believe it.” Emily said, “It’s just shocking?”

“What is?” Georgie asked, “Is he-“

“Pregnant?” I asked, “This isn’t a hysterical pregnancy, Georgie. It’s a real one.”

“Come on.” Georgie said, “You’re messing with my head.”

“I’m not kidding.” I said very sternly.

“He isn’t.” Emily saw, “Trust me.”

“Holy-“ Georgie said, “This has got to be a joke.”

“No joke.” I lifted up my shirt and rubbed my belly, “I’m pregnant.”

“Holy crap!” Georgie said, “Oh my God, this can’t be happening!” he placed his hand over his mouth.

“Sh!” I said over to him, “We want to keep this on the down low.”

“Oh my God…” Georgie’s voice trailed off. “Oh my God…” he then fainted right at our feet.

“Great.” I said, “I’m pregnant. And we have to carry him back to the dorm.”

__________________

The one and only pregnant man of Middlesex County

Mpregguy

Veteran Member

Status: Offline

Posts: 124

Date: Tue Jun 7 2:01 AM, 2011

Permalink Closed

Later that Day…

Emily, Georgie and I all sat silently as we faced each other in the dorm. We knew what the news was, we were just too afraid to talk about it. I had my hands covering my newly pregnant stomach, while Georgie just sipped from his tea he made. Emily just stared at me rubbing my belly. “So.” Georgie began to break the ice, “That’s the big news, huh? My roommate is pregnant.”

“I knew it all along.” I said, “You wouldn’t believe me.”

“I said it was a possibility.” Georgie said, “I presumed it false, but I just can’t believe it.”

“Excuse me, but I’m still having trouble grasping the idea that you are actually pregnant.” Emily said, “I just can’t shift my paradigm.”

“Why not?” I asked her honestly.

“I’m trying to fathom how in God’s name you suddenly can carry your own offspring.” Emily said, “There’s no physical possibility.”

“Again, why not?” I asked, “It’s obviously happening.”

“Well I just remember what Professor Klein said.” Emily stated, “She told us about the-“

“Three factors that are mostly responsible for preventing male pregnancy.” I finished her thought, “She told me about them too.”

“Okay, well then you know you can’t get pregnant unless and egg is in the right location, right?” Emily said, “You’re not ovulating , are you?”

“No.” I said. “I’m not.”

“Well, factor one still exists then.” She said. “And what about factor two? Your stomach is hardly fertile ground for a baby. I don’t know how you can sustain a pregnancy, much less conceive.”

“Maybe miracles do happen.” I said.

“They happen.” Georgie said, “I just feel this has a scientific explanation.”

“I bet it does.” I said, “I just need that doctor to contact his friend from Islip. I’ll bet he can explain what’s happening inside of me.”

“I just can’t believe it.” Emily said, “Oh, congratulations, by the way.”

“Thank you?” I said hesitantly, “Look, I know it’s very confusing for us all.”

“I’ll say.” Georgie said, “Remember a while back when we went through possible scenarios of how you could be pregnant? Well, that question is still unanswered.”

“You guys thought of this before?” Emily asked.

“Yeah.” I said, “We traced back conception to a single date and time.”

“Which date?” Emily asked.

“October 9^th.” I said, “I checked my schedule, and I was in the lab with you that day.”

“Oh yeah.” Emily said, “That was the day I lost my chemical.”

“What do you mean?” Georgie asked.

“I synthesized a compound, and dissolved it into a beaker.” Emily said, “I left and when I got back, there was just water in there.”

“So we had to spend a week to remake the chemical.” I replied, “All because that beaker disappeared.”

“But it didn’t disappear, did it?” Georgie asked, “She just said that when she got back, the beaker wasn’t gone, but the chemical was just replaced with water.”

“I remember I was gone to get a bandage.” She said, “I remember because I cut myself, and the blood was what made the chemical form.”

“And I got a drink while you were gone.” I said, “But the fountain was out of order, so I instead got a drink from the lab sink.”

“What did you drink from?” Georgie asked.

“A beaker.” I said now all of a sudden realizing my mistake.

Emily’s eyes grew wide and furious at me. She shot up from the bed she was sitting on. “You bastard!” she shouted, “You idiot! You drank the chemical without noticing?!”

“I’m sorry!” I said, “I thought it was clean! The beaker said water on it!”

“And you let an old label mislead you?!” Emily was enraged, “How many times have we done an experiment where the label doesn’t match what’s in there?”

“I’m sorry!” I said, “I made a huge mistake.”

“But that’s got to be it, don’t you see?” Georgie said, “Your medicine wasn’t just aspirin, it must have coaxed Will’s body to create a pregnancy!”

“I’ll check the chemistry later.” Emily said as she began to calm down, but I could see her temper flared up again, “I just can’t believe this moron was stupid enough to drink the lab chemicals!”

“It’s my mistake!” I said beginning to get emotional, “I didn’t mean to. Look, I’m sorry I’m bad at labs, I just make these blunders!” A lump formed in my throat, and a tear fell from my eye. I didn’t know why I was crying, I wasn’t sad, I was just embarrassed. “It’s all my fault. Now I’m paying for it.” I was tearing up and sobbing.

“It’s okay now.” Emily said as she sat down next to me, “I’m sorry I yelled. I guess you have it worse than me.”

“Damn hormones.” I said as I wiped my eyes, “I’m just so emotional.”

“It’s an emotional time.” Emily said as she cuddled next to me. I immediately began to feel batter, and frankly, slightly aroused. “You’ll get past this.”

“Yeah.” I sniffed, “But what am I going to do? I’m not prepared to have a baby. I can’t raise it, I can’t feed it, what am I going to do?”

“Leave it to me.” Emily said, “My aunt works in the adoption business, and I’m pretty sure she can find a home for your child.”

“I hope so.” I sniffed again, “But first I have to deliver it.”

“Yeah, not to sour the mood even more, but I don’t foresee any way Will can give birth.” Georgie said, “I mean, unless you grow a vagina at some point during your pregnancy.”

“According to certain biological theorists, he will.” Emily said.

“Say what?” Georgie replied.

“Say what?” I asked.

“Oh yes.” Emily said, “In bioengineering class, we learned about Giles Yearbourg’s theories. He wrote that if during a pregnancy, a woman’s birth canal were to suddenly shut down, nature would create a secondary path. Such would be the same for men.”

“Really?” I asked, “So I’m going to grow a birth canal?”

“It’s just a theory.” Emily said, “But if those theorists were right, then yes.”

“Wow.” I said, “That’s a little creepy.”

“You should probably arrange a private birth.” Emily said, “If we are going to keep this discreet.”

“That’s right.” Georgie said, “We can’t tell anybody about this, otherwise the secret’s just going to be blown.”

“I have to tell some people.” I said, “Some people need to know this.”

“Like who?” Emily asked.

“My dorm advisor.” I said, “A hospital team staff, my family, and obstetrician, and maybe some of my concerned professors, there are a few people who have to know. But no more people than we can control.”

“Right.” Georgie said, “The pregnancy will be our secret.”

“Right.” I said, “Between us three.”

“Can I feel your belly?” Emily asked, “Sorry if I seem distracted or anything.”

“Sure.” I lifted up my shirt, “Go ahead.”

Emily’s soft hand caressed the stretched skin on my stomach. She giggled as she felt the small protrusion that I had going. She smiled and moved her hand away. This’ll be fun though. I’m sure of it.

February 16

So the past two weeks after discovering my pregnancy were filled with an equally daunting task, trying to tell people about my pregnancy. Of course, the doctor at the Health Office knew, and so did Emily, and Georgie. Since then I had told my dorm advisor, and three of my professors, who might need to know about my “special condition” during the semester.

Of course, the next person on my list (who I had conveniently been procrastinating) was my boss, Mrs. Harding. At the time, I worked at a small pharmacy around town. It wasn’t any large chain, but there were a few stores and Mrs. Harding was considering becoming a regional chain. I worked at the original store, which was down the street from campus. Mrs. Harding herself was the CEO of the chain, and my personal boss. That was very rare, considering how low-level an employee I was.

Mrs. Harding was a young woman, only about thirty years old. Her mother was the one who encouraged her to go into business. She married Gavin Harding about five years ago, about a year after he founded the pharmacy I worked at. Since last year, he had set out on a quest to explore the world in search of resources. Last I heard of him, he was in the Philippines about a month ago. He technically owned the store, but Mrs. Harding had to manage it, considering the Mr. Harding was busy with his hair-brined escapades.

She never struck me as a nice woman. Even though she worked in the offices only one floor above the pharmacy, she rarely came down. She hardly talked with employees down here, and when she did, it was usually about a severe problem one of us was having. Every time someone who worked for her tried to get in contact with her, she’d hire new managers to distance herself from us by a few more levels. I didn’t know if she was as crazy as her husband, but she seemed that way.

But today was an exception. I had filed the necessary paperwork to have a few minutes to speak with her. (Yes, she was that particular). I had my pharmacy vest on over my normal clothes with which I would normally show up to work in. I wanted to let her know she was dealing with an employee.

As I was stuffing the shelves with new, cheap, Chinese-made merchandise one of the floor managers approached me. “Mrs. Harding wants to see you now, Will.” He said.

I stopped what I was doing and followed the manager. He brought me back to the storage room, and up the stairs to the office. “You’re lucky, you know that?” he said to me, “I don’t think she’s seen an employee in a long time.”

“I know.” I said, “I just hope I can explain what I need to.”

“Just keep cool.” The manager told me, “That’s all I can say.”

He opened the doors to Mrs. Harding’s office. I could see it was mostly empty except for a grey shag carpet, and her mahogany desk at the end of the room. “Is he here?” she said very mundanely.

“Yes.” The manager said.

“Show him in.” she replied.

The manager had me enter the office, and shut the door behind me. I began to approach Mrs. Harding’s desk. She didn’t even look at me as I approached. “Please bear in mind that you have exactly five minutes from the moment you approach this desk to explain what you need to.” She said without even looking up at me.

I sat down in one of the padded chairs in front of your desk. “I came to talk to you about a serious issue.” I said.

“I already knew that.” She said, “Keep boring me with useless facts and you’ll run out of time before you know it.”

“Sorry.” I said, realizing exactly why no employee would want to talk to her. I knew from the moment she spoke that she would be completely cross with me, and hardly give me any worth over her work. “My problem is very personal, and it regards the company maternity leave policy.”

“I see.” Mrs. Harding said, “Four minutes forty seconds.”

“I looked it up, and I understand the requirements to use it-“ I said.

“Pardon me for interrupting.” She said actually sounding the slightest bit polite, “Do you plan to take advantage of the maternity leave policy? Because I hate to tell you, but it’s limited to pregnant women only.”

“I may not be a woman, madam,” I stomached the courage to tell her, “But I am pregnant.”

Now she wanted to pay attention to me. Her head shot up and she stared at me very crossly. She put down her pen and stared me in the eye as if she was about to interrogate me. “Aren’t you a male?” she asked.

“Yes.” I said, “Frankly, I wanted to know if the company maternity leave policy would not only apply to pregnant women, but to pregnant men as well.”

“Well…” she said, “Before I can go any further, I can’t just take you at your word for being a pregnant male. I would need doctor’s notes, certificates of viability, ultrasound documentations…”

“Here they are.” I said as I handed a folder to her. Inside of it were all the files she just mentioned, plus extra compiled by the doctor. I knew what the maternity leave policy required. I did my homework.

She leafed through them in disbelief, “But it would take weeks for me to contact this Dr. Goldbloom and have him corroborate everything here. For all I know it could be forged, or-“

At this moment I twisted to the side in my chair and lifted up my shirt. I exposed my belly, which was clearly pregnant when unclothed. She saw it and her mouth fell open. She knew immediately what she was seeing. “Oh my God…” she said, “One of my male employees is pregnant.”

“Exactly.” I said, “Now, does the maternity leave policy apply to men? Because in a few months it won’t be a good idea for me to work the floor.”

“You’re very good at convincing me.” She said as she shut the folder, “I do believe that you’re pregnant now, and seeking maternity benefits. Unfortunately, this is very difficult for me at this time, because I know the maternity policy. I clearly states that only women may take advantage of it. The phrasing in the policy is-“

“’Women expecting a child to be no less than twenty-eight weeks pregnant may gain the aforementioned benefits.’” I said quoting the policy, “I read it last night.”

“Unfortunately, changing the policy now requires my husband’s okay, and he’s too far away from here to do that.”

“Okay.” I said, “Well you may expect my resignation once the third trimester hits.”

“However,” she began, “As acting CEO of this company, I would be more than pleased to offer you your own customized benefits package, exceeding the benefits of the maternity leave policy, if that better suits you.”

“My own benefits package?” I asked, “Seriously?”

“Very seriously.” Mrs. Harding sat back in her chair, “Not only would get the full paid-leave program we offer to pregnant women, I would personally have your job transferred to this floor, so you won’t have to interact while heavily pregnant.”

“That’s wonderful, Mrs. Harding.” I said, “After all, anonymity is exactly what I was going for.”

“Very good,” Mrs. Harding said, “Then I shall not disclose any of your health records to anyone at any time. No employee needs to see you while pregnant. You’ll work in the office next to mine, so I can keep a close watch over who comes in and out, got it?”

“Yes ma’am!” I said enthusiastically as I stood up. “I do my five minutes are up.”

“You have an extension.” She said, “Because there’s something very personal I have to confide in you.”

“Me?” I asked.

“Yes.” She said, “If you feel comfortable sharing that with me, I have something similar to share with you.”

“If it’s appropriate.” I said. She stood up from her desk. I could see she was a bit more stout than normal. She unbuttoned her suit jacket and her blouse. Then I could see that she had a belly similar to mine.

“I’m just as pregnant as you.” She said.

“Eighteen weeks?” I asked.

“Nineteen.” She said, “Quite a coincidence, actually.”

“Indeed.” I said, “But that would mean that you conceived in early October.”

“Yes.” She said, “That’s true.”

“But I remember, wasn’t Mr. Harding in Uganda through that whole month?” I asked, “Is it his baby?”

“That’s what I wanted to confide in you.” She said, “It’s not.”

“Doesn’t he know it?” I asked.

“No.” she said, “I told him that I wanted to raise a family, and he kept telling me that we’d try for a baby after his next excursion. Well I got so fed up with waiting, that I just went to a sperm bank.”

“And you didn’t tell him?” I asked.

“How could I?” she asked back, “He was in Uganda.”

“But doesn’t he know you’re pregnant?” I questioned.

“He knows.” She said, “He’s just been misled about the baby’s real father. He thinks it’s him. Lord only knows how wrong he is.”

“I see.” I said, “It’s a shame how much he travels.”

“And what’s worse, I can’t let anyone know about this.” She said, Anyone who knows Gavin’s travel schedule, like yourself, knows that he’s not the father. If anyone were to tell him, he’d be insulted. And he keeps very good correspondence with some employees. I’d be heartbroken if he found out from one of his employees that the baby his wife is expecting is actually not his.”

“So you hid from us?” I asked, “Barely talked to the floor employees.”

“I can’t let anyone know.” She said, “I was hoping you of all people would understand.

“I suppose I would.” I said.

“So, can we keep each other’s secrets?” she sat down and asked.

“Yes.” I said, “And you?”

“Most definitely.” She said, “Best of luck and congratulations.”

“Thanks.” I replied.

__________________

The one and only pregnant man of Middlesex County

Mpregguy

Veteran Member

Status: Offline

Posts: 124

Date: Thu Aug 4 4:06 PM, 2011

Permalink Closed

February 17^th

The next day I was waiting in my room wit Emily and Georgie. Earlier the doctor had called me saying that his “friend” (the one who was crazy for male pregnancy) and that his friend was coming over my dorm to inspect me. As much as I loathed the idea of being “inspected” like a piece of merchandise, I was eager to meet someone who may have the answers. Georgie and Emily were there because they were just as curious. He was due to come any minute.

“Well,” Georgie said, “is he running late?”

“Probably not.” I said, “I just wish he’d show up a little sooner. The anticipation’s killing me.”

“I don’t know why you’re so wound up.” Emily said to both of us, “From how the doctor described this guy to me, he sounds like one of those crackpot medicinal theorists.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well, you know those crazy conspiracy theorists out there?” she asked, “The ones who think bigfoot and the Area 51 aliens helped fake the moon landing? Well, he sounds like the medical version of one of those guys.”

“I know.” Georgie said, “But he might have actually been right this time.”

“Maybe all medicine is just a conspiracy theory.” I said, “Maybe everything we know about human anatomy alters every few years, and we just don’t know that yet.”

“That sounds really insane.” Emily commented, “And I don’t understand it.”

“Well then maybe it’s not worth explaining.” I replied.

We then heard a knock at the door. “I’ll get it.” Georgie said. He got up and opened the door. I looked past Georgie and saw a man in a suit standing there. He had a graying head of hair, and he looked to be about sixty. “He’s inside.” I heard Georgie say quietly. He led the man into the dorm and showed him in.

“Everyone,” Georgie began, “this is that doctor we heard about.”

“Glad to be here.” He said, “Excuse me, the name’s Dr. Harold Joplin. But you can call me Harry.”

“Hi.” I said, “I’m Will, and this is Georgie and Emily.”

“Pleased to meet you.” Harry said, “Now if I may get right down to business.”

“Go ahead.” I said, “What do you need?”

“Well, if you could just lie down on the bed, and lift up your shirt, that would be great.” Harry said. I did just that. Harry reached into his bag, and pulled out what appeared to be a fetal stethoscope. He placed it on my stomach and turned it on. After a few seconds, we could hear fast rhythmic thumping of the baby’s heart.

“My God.” Harry said, “That is something.”

“I know.” I said, “We know I’m pregnant. No doubt about it.”

“Well, that was a foregone conclusion.” Harry said as he put away the device. “But how it happened…”

“I was hoping you could enlighten us on that.” I said, “We seem to be in the dark on some parts.”

“Of course.” Harry said. He reached into his bag and pulled out a copy of a paperback book. On the cover, it just said the words, “Theoretical Applications to the Male Reproductive System by Harold Joplin.”

“Well,” I said as I looked at the book, “What’s this supposed to be?”

“It’s a copy of my book I wrote as a dissertation.” He said, “$14.95 from Applegate Publishing.”

“Are you here to help us or to sell stuff to us?” Emily asked.

“Sorry, force of habit.” Harry said, “I wrote it about the theory of male pregnancy. In it, I detailed how the anatomy would work out and how to alleviate the three-factor postulate. You can keep that copy if you want.”

“Okay.” I said, “Can you sum it up for us?”

“Well the first factor is easy to get around.” Harry said, “All you would need is an egg to be released somewhere in the male abdominal cavity. It could be absorbed out of the bloodstream if necessary.”

“How’s that possible?” I asked, “If I didn’t have one implanted?”

“Did you ingest one?” Harry asked.

“No.” I said, “Or at least I don’t think I did.”

“Actually, I checked the chemistry.” Emily said, “The formula of the compound we made was very long and complex.”

“You made the compound?” Harry said, “Did you use the sulfide?”

“By accident, yes.” Emily said as she glared at me.

“That’s it.” Harry said, “I’ve been trying to make that same compound for years, but I was never able to add enough oxygen to create it.”

“We did.” Emily said, “It was a rather unconventional approach.”

“What did you use?” Harry asked.

“Blood.” Emily said, “The oxygen-rich blood completed the formula.”

“Of course!” Harry said, “It’s so simple!”

“Anyway,” Emily said, “When the sulfide got poured in a really weird redox reaction happened that synthesized a host of organic molecules.”

“I’m not too good with biochemistry.” Georgie said, “What does that mean?”

“We created a pregnancy medicine.” Emily said, “It was a long complex formula, but even after the blood was added, I couldn’t find any reason why it formed.”

“I know.” Harry said, “It was the DNA. The formula needs some sort of amino acid to create a viable cell. The blood supplied it.”

“So if you were to add that together…” Emily started.

“You’d create a host of molecules that would form an egg.” Harry said, “It’s so simple!”

“Please don’t say ‘simple’.” Georgie began, “You’re making me feel stupid.”

“Fine.” Harry said, “The egg could easily be taken out of the bloodstream and into the abdominal cavity at any point.”

“Then there’s the second point.” Emily said, “It has to implant, and there’s no way to get around that.”

“Ah, but don’t you see?” Harry said, “There is one place.”

“One place?” I asked, “In my stomach?”

“Yes.” Harry said, “The abdominal aorta.”

“That?” Emily asked, “But that’s hardly fertile ground.”

“On the contrary,” Harry began, “it is. It’s wide enough so that an egg could implant there easily. A placenta would grow to engulf the outside of the artery, and get nutrients from it. Then it would grow over the back of the abdominal wall, and new veins would form to accommodate it.”

“That’s crazy.” Emily said, “New veins just don’t grow out of nowhere.”

“But remember the compound is a biological accelerant.” Harry said, “It makes the growth process quicker.”

“You guys are talking, but all I hear is biological jargon.” Georgie said, “How is a physics student supposed to understand?”

“He just explained why this is happening.” Emily said, “And bottom line, it’s a viable explanation.”

“Exactly.” Harry said, “And the third point-“

“About male birth.” Emily continued, “It’s not possible, is it?”

“It is.” Harry said, “Have you heard of Giles Yearbourg, the biological theorist?”

“Yes.” Emily said, “I’ve studied his work.”

“Then you know about the theory of compensation?” he said.

“That’s it.” Georgie said, “I’m just going to tune out for a while until the conversation shifts to some topic that doesn’t requires two years’ classes of biochemistry.”

“Fine, stop complaining.” Emily said.

“If a male needs a birth canal, he’ll grow one.” Harry said, “Simple as that.”

“Where would it grow?” I asked.

“Based on the placement of your fetus, I would say the most likely location is beneath your bellybutton.” Harry said, “Just a conjecture.”

“My God…” I said, “That sounds disgusting.”

“It’s not.” Harry said, “It’s painless and temporary.”

“Has this ever happened before?” I asked.

“Well…” Harry began, “No. It’s still a theory, admittedly. But I have every reason to believe it’s true.”

“Doesn’t it take two to make a baby?” I asked, “I mean, it takes both egg and sperm, right?”

“Yes.” Harry said, “That’s why you need the DNA. That’s what makes the DNA in the egg. The egg’s DNA came from the blood in the formula.”

“That was mine.” Emily said. “It was my blood. So does that mean I’m the… father?”

“I suppose so.” Harry said, “It’s yours and his DNA. That means it’s yours and his baby.”

I smiled weakly at Emily as she looked at me. “I’m having our baby.” I laughed lightly.

She smiled and nodded. “Okay, then.” She said.

“And I’d be more than willing to help in every way I can.” Harry said, “Just let me know.”

“Well you’re a doctor, aren’t you?” Emily asked, “Could you be his obstetrician?”

“You know more than anyone about the subject.” I said, “You get me appointments, and a clean birthing facility couldn’t you?”

“Something completely private?” I asked, “We don’t want to cause a fuss.”

“Well um…” he said looking very unsure of himself.

“You are a doctor, aren’t you?” I asked a second time more sternly than the first.

“I am.” He said “But, um, how do I explain this?”

“Here it comes.” Emily said with resounding disappointment.

“I may have had my practitioner’s license slightly…” he struggled to complete his sentence, “…revoked.”

“There it is.” Emily said.

“Yes, I am not well-regarded in the obstetrics community.” Harry said.

“What’d you get your license revoked for?” I asked.

“They called it ‘negligence.’” Harry said, “But I swear, I took every precaution necessary!”

“You didn’t kill someone, did you?” I asked.

“Heavens, no.” Harry said. Emily and I both had a sigh of relief, “I may have made someone deathly ill…”

“Oh my God…” I said.

“But he recovered!” Harry said, “I can assure you that.”

“Why was he sick?” Emily asked very annoyed with Harry.

“I tried a little experiment.” Harry said, “I thought I had created the male pregnancy formula that you did. I gave it to a man who volunteered to test it, but I ended up poisoning him instead.”

“Sounds like negligence to me!” Emily said.

“I took every precaution that a respected doctor would!” Harry said.

“Then why did he almost die?” I asked.

“Ambiguous circumstances.” Harry said, “Let’s leave it at that.”

“Fine.” I said, “Let’s leave it at that.”

“How much did he sue you for?” Emily asked.

“Thousands.” Harry sounded ashamed, “He drove my malpractice insurance through the roof. When the AMA got word of it, they revoked my license, and since then I’ve been doing freelance biological science research.”

“In your mother’s basement?” I asked.

“I find that offensive!” Harry became indignant.

“Sorry.” I replied.

“In my own basement.” Harry said.

“Good Lord…” I said.

“But I can help you out in any other way possible!” he said, “Just give me a call, and I can get some scheduling for you, or maybe a freelance research position.”

“Fine.” I said, “Thank you.”

I led Harry out of the dorm, and we shook hands on the way out. As he walked away, I rolled my eyes and reentered the dorm. “So How is he?” I asked.

“Fits my conspiracy theorist idea.” Emily said.

“No doubt about that.” Georgie said.

“I feel bad for him.” I said, “I really think we should take him up on his offer.”

“You serious?” Emily asked.

“Yes.” I said, “He knows more about the subject than anyone.”

“The guy’s insane.” Georgie said, “He nearly killed someone.”

“He was wrong before, I know.” I said, “But so far on his theories he’s been right, and who knows what else he knows.”

“Read the book, first.” Emily said, “But use a critical eye.”

“Of course.” I said, “I’ll just need help getting through this, and Harry is the man to do that.”

“Great.” Georgie said, “Just keep him away from real doctors.” Georgie satirically said.

“Fine.” I said, “We’ll just deal with him when we can.”

“Okay.” Emily said, “If you really think so.”

__________________

The one and only pregnant man of Middlesex County

Mpregguy

Veteran Member

Status: Offline

Posts: 124

Date: Thu Aug 4 9:09 PM, 2011

Permalink Closed

February 20^th

Late in the afternoon I found myself heading down the hallways with the classes. I walked swinging a small plastic black case that I kept in my hand. I walked past each lecture hall, looking to see where Professor Klein was. It was time I confided in her what was really happening to me. I knew that she had just finished giving a class, and I needed to speak to her immediately. Finally, I approached one of the smaller lecture halls. I entered and I saw Professor Klein consulting with several students right up at her desk. Class was over, so I decided to go in.

I sat down in the front row of the seats. I noticed that the professor saw me, and she continued to talk with the students who were there. I sat anxiously at the front, waiting for all the other students to clear out. Finally, the last student left and the door shut behind him. Professor Klein continued to work but she looked up at me occasionally. “Did you come here for anything or just to look at the lecture hall?” she asked.

“I came because I heard your class was over.” I said.

She smiled and shut her book. “Freshman.” She said, “Can’t live with them, of course the college doesn’t exist without them.”

“Biochemistry is a freshman class?” I asked.

“Well, anyone can take it.” She said, “It just so happens that it’s a recommended course for freshman, and they make up the majority of the class.”

“Hm, of course.” I said.

“So I take it you came after once again for help with the course material?” she asked.

“Not really.” I said, “I just have some information that may revolutionize the course you’re teaching.”

Professor Klein paused a moment and looked up at me, “I don’t know what you think you’ve come across, but it’s a lot of work in science to claim a discovery.”

“This one’s big.” I said, “I know it.”

“What is it?” she was already getting bored with me.

“Remember that pregnancy test I showed you back in December?” I asked.

She sighed at me, “Oh, Will.” She began, “You are one of the most wound-up people I know. You come in here ruminating about stuff that happened months ago. When are you going to let that little thing go?”

“I’m not.” I said, “This is serious.”

“Really?” she said, “You think that you’re the first male to come back with a positive pregnancy test?”

“No, but I followed your instructions and took five more.” I said, “All of them were positive.”

“Okay.” She said, “That indicates that something is wrong, but it’s a far cry from pregnancy.”

“I know.” I said, “But I didn’t come here without evidence.”

“Evidence of what?” She asked.

“Of my pregnancy.” I said.

I reached back to the black plastic box I brought in. I opened it up. Inside was a fetal stethoscope, much like the one that Harry had used on me. As I turned around I could see Professor Klein had a very quizzical look on her face. I bet she wanted to see where I was going with this.

I turned on the stethoscope. I pulled up my shirt and pressed the stethoscope to my lower belly. There was no noise. Professor Klein looked disappointed at me. “Wait a minute.” I said. I moved the microphone around my stomach. Finally I heard the rhythmic beating noise. I looked up at Professor Klein. Her eyes widened. She stepped back a bit. I just kept watching as the heartbeat continued.

“Well.” She said, “That does change things.”

“That’s what I thought.” I said.

“I never thought this would happen.” She said, “The first pregnant man is a student of mine.”

“This took me by surprise too.” I said.

“How did you find out?” she asked.

“I had my suspicions since November.” I said, “Of course, the suspicions kept growing with each positive pregnancy test. I had the ultrasound confirmation about a month ago. Since then I’ve been trying to adjust.”

“Well, it seems like you’re not just newly conceived, either.” Professor Klein said, “Your belly definitely does have a curve to it.”

“I calculated my pregnancy week.” I said, “I’m nineteen weeks and two days.”

“Well.” She said, “You’re almost halfway there.”

“That’s why I came to you.” I said.

“What is it?” she asked, “Just say what you need.”

“I need someone with a background in obstetrics.” I said, “Someone who might have worked as one.”

“Are you referring to me?” she asked.

“Yes.” I said, “I looked at your record, and it’s probably the most impeccable one I’ve seen.”

“Those were my graduate school days.” She said, “My obstetrics work was part-time.”

“But you worked in place of a full-time physician.” I said, “You even took over the practice you originally interned at when the primary physician went on maternity leave. Hell, I even ordered a copy of your book on obstetrics!”

“But that doesn’t mean that I’m qualified to help you!” she said, “It’s an entirely different sort of pregnancy!”

“But it’s as close as possible.” I walked up to her desk and looked her in the eye, “Look, I knew the minute I saw that fetus on the ultrasound screen, I needed help. I wasn’t going to get through this alone. The doctors at student health services… well, I mean they know what they’re doing. I just fear their training isn’t specific enough to handle such a bizarre case. No obstetrician wants to get close to a pregnant male. They’ll be afraid they’ll screw up and end their career. The only person with medical training who has agreed to help me is a quack who’s had his medical license revoked for nearly killing someone he experimented on!” I rounded the desk and approached the professor, “I need someone who’s not afraid to venture into unknown territory. I need someone who has the knowledge, the competence, and the bravery to handle this situation as delicately as I need it to be handled. I need someone who can take a risk with incredible benefits. You even wrote in your book, ‘The day that science presents us a fantastic alternative-“

“-Is the day we explore countless possibilities for the future.’” She finished quoting herself. “I didn’t know any of my students had read it.”

“From cover to cover.” I said, “So what do you say? Can you help?”

She paused for a second and looked away. She closed her leather-bound grade book and looked up at me. “Alright.” She said, “What do you need?”

“I need a checkup.” I said, “Just a routine pregnancy checkup. I’ve gone nineteen weeks without one. I just need to know if everything’s going to be alright in the end. I just need a checkup, as if you were looking at a pregnant woman.”

“I know what you mean.” She said, “I trust you know what that entails?”

“Yes.” I said, “First I’ll make a urine sample in order to test for diabetes and to make sure that my kidneys haven’t failed. Then I’ll have my height and weight checked. I’ll have my blood tested for all kinds of stuff. Then I’ll have my blood pressure checked, and my physique examined.”

“And I’ll probably have a good look at that fetal heartbeat.” She said, “Just to make sure everything’s okay.”

“Good.” I said, “And I’ll be able to pay for the exam. I brought proof of insurance.”

“That shouldn’t be necessary.” She said.

“What do you mean?” I turned around.

“Well normally yes, I would charge a student my normal rate for a visit, but your case isn’t normal.” She said, “And besides, there’s a very good case that your insurance doesn’t cover ‘male pregnancy’. And another reason is even if you have to file this checkup as insurance, you’re basically letting a large group of people know that you’re pregnant. And they’re not sworn to patient confidentiality like I am.”

“So what does this mean?” I said, “Are you giving me this for free?”

“I’ll tell you what.” She said, “I wouldn’t give out my time for free, no. All doctors know that. However, if this turns out to be real, and becomes a breakthrough for all of humanity, then I want my name credited on the dissertation you write later, got it?”

“Absolutely.” I said.

“Good.” She said, “Now all I have to do is schedule you in.”

“I was wondering about that.” I said, “When would be a good time for you.”

“Well, the school has rules regarding relationships between professors and students. I’m not supposed to spend too much down time with any one student in particular. So naturally, we can’t do it when I’m at school. However, the University will have a lot more trouble regulating my personal contact with students if it happens off campus.”

“So what?” I asked, “We have the appointment off campus?”

“Not just the appointment.” She said, “Pretty much our every meeting.”

“So not only will the appointments be off-campus.” I said, “But every place I meet you before and after the appointments will be off-campus too.”

“Correct.” She said, “Can you handle that?”

“I guess.” I said, “Where am I meeting you?”

“You know Arvino’s Pizza?” she said, “That small restaurant in the town center?”

“I know of it.” I said, “I’ve never eaten there before.”

“Well tomorrow night, at six o’clock, I’ll be having dinner there. You come meet me.” She said, “And every alternate Thursday meet me there too. We’ll keep your checkups regular.”

“Thanks.” I said, “Do you mind if I bring a few people along?”

“Don’t bring a crowd.” She said, “How many?”

“Just two.” I said, “One of them might be the baby’s genetic father, and the other one is my roommate, and he’s the only one of us three who has a car.”

“I guess that can work.” She said, “But no more!”

“Got it.” I said, “Tomorrow night.”

“Don’t be late.” She said.

“I won’t.” I walked away.

“And don’t think this counts as extra credit either!” she said, “I just have to inform you of that!”

“It’s okay.” I secretly had hoped that I would get a grade boost for being a guinea pig to a new age of medical experimentation, but I supposed it was okay. I headed back up to my dorm room and awaited my next adventure in this crazy time of mine.

__________________

The one and only pregnant man of Middlesex County

bigbellyboy

Member

Status: Offline

Posts: 96

Date: Fri Aug 5 7:18 AM, 2011

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Awesome story, can't wait for the next part! __________________

Mpregguy

Veteran Member

Status: Offline

Posts: 124

Date: Tue Aug 30 5:33 PM, 2011

Permalink Closed

One hour later I was back at the dorm doing some studying, when Georgie walked in. He threw his keys down on the desk and then sat down on his bed. “You do anything special today?” he asked.

“You know, I was just about to tell you.” I shut my book and continued to lie on my side, “I spoke with Professor Klein today.”

“Who?” Georgie asked.

“Biochemistry professor.” I said.

“What’d she have to say?” Georgie continued.

“She didn’t.” I replied, “I told her about my pregnancy.”

“Why?” Georgie asked, “What for?”

“I did a little research in the staff accomplishments book.” I said, “Apparently, she has held her own obstetrics practice before. She’s actually an amazing physician. I got her to agree to give me prenatal checkups.”

“What about Harry?” Georgie asked, “Are we dumping him?”

“Well, he’s useful in different fields.” I said, “I suggest that we utilize him later.”

“Fine.” Georgie said, “So you’re getting prenatal checkups from the biochemistry teacher.”

“There’s a little catch.” I said, “I’m going to need to drive me to them.” I never asked Georgie if I could borrow his car. He never let anyone drive his car anywhere, not even across the street, apparently.

“When?” he asked.

“Tomorrow night.” I said, “And every alternate Thursday.”

“The astronomy club meets on Thursday nights!” Georgie said, “That’ll wreak havoc with my class schedule!”

“It’s okay.” I said, “We’ll find a way to get you back in time for astronomy.”

Georgie sighed, “I suppose I should. I don’t think I’ll ever get to live it down if I don’t help my pregnant roommate.”

“Thanks.” I said. I positioned myself close to the edge of my bed. My movement jostled the baby around inside me, and I felt it move. I placed my hand down on my belly. “Whoa.” I said.

“What is it?” Georgie asked.

“I swear, it’s getting harder to move everyday.” I said.

“And you’re surprised?” Georgie asked, “Your belly will grow in such a way that it limits most of your upper body’s natural motions. Most pregnant women can’t even bend over after twenty-four weeks.”

“Yeah, I know that.” I said trying to get up, but my belly was getting in the way. “Hey can you help me up here?”

Georgie pulled me up from my seat. “God, I feel so lethargic now.” I went over and opened up the refrigerator.

“You know, I was thinking.” Georgie asked, “You do realize that this isn’t just a pregnancy, right? I mean, it is going to turn into a baby, right?”

It was beyond me why he was asking this, “Yeah…” I said, “That’s kind of a given.”

“Well why haven’t we made any plans yet?” Georgie said, “I mean, eventually you’re going to be a single father and a full-time student.”

I continued to look in my tiny fridge, “I know, it’s going to be tough.”

“Are you really going to raise a child here on campus?” Georgie asked, “Are you going to raise your son or daughter and be a student at the same time? And no matter what gender it is, I guarantee you it is not staying in this room.”

“Georgie,” I began, “My case if very special, and very unique. We know that for a fact. Now, I know that the administrators of the school would have the basic human decency necessary to make special arrangements for a single father who gave birth to his son.”

“Or daughter.” Georgie added.

“No.” I said pulling out a piece of feta cheese, “It feels like a son to me.”

“Your call.” Georgie said.

I began to break off pieces and snack on the cheese. Georgie stared at me strangely, “What is that you’re eating? Styrofoam?”

“No, it’s feta.” I said, “I’ve been craving this all day.”

“Really?” Georgie asked, “Pregnancy food cravings?”

“Honestly, I just need something really salty right now.” I said, “That’s it, basically.”

“Hm, no pickles and ice cream?” Georgie asked.

“That was last week.” I said.

“You get stranger every second of this pregnancy.” Georgie said, “Not that that’s a bad thing, though.

“Thanks for your approval.” I said fishing up the cheese, “Oh and thanks in advance for the use of your car.”

“Whatever.” Georgie said, “Hey, I almost forgot, I need to show you something I found on the Internet.”

“What is it?” I asked as we went over to Georgie’s laptop.

“This is crazy.” Georgie said. He opened up a news article. I was astounded at the title. Male Chimp Gives Birth.

“Holy crap.” I said.

“If you think the title’s weird, just look at the video.” Georgie said. I heard the announcers voice as he ran the news video.

“Meet Wesley.” The voice began as it showed the picture of the chimp, “Wesley is a nineteen year-old chimp who has just had a baby. Normally this would not concern the researchers at the University of California, except for the fact that Wesley is a male. Researchers began experiments with Wesley half a year ago, when they implanted him with a fertilized embryo.”

The video cut to footage of a researcher speaking, “We weren’t trying to have Wesley get pregnant. We were looking to study how the male body reacts to foreign objects. Wesley was the chimp we had used to experiment with an embryo. Naturally we expected his body to reject and attack the embryo.”

“But instead, the embryo implanted in Wesley’s body, on a wall of tissue covering the intestines.” The reporter spoke again, “The embryo grew and Wesley was officially pregnant.”

The video cut to another researcher, “When we found out Wesley had indeed been impregnated, we were ecstatic. We wanted to know how long the pregnancy would go, because we were counting on it to fail.”

The reporter spoke again, “The researchers waited six months as Wesley’s pregnancy went full-term. Finally Wesley was ready to give birth, and had his baby delivered surgically. Now according to researchers, Wesley is already tending to and nursing the baby, as if he were its mother. The experiment gives light to the possibility that human male pregnancy may be possible.”

“It’s definitely possible.” The video cut to one researcher, “It’s been possible since about 1985 when we got the technology. Of course, it still is risky, I mean, there’s hardly any chance that the first human male would go full-term, but it’s a possibility at most.”

“It’s a possibility that the researchers at the University of California are looking at.” The reporter continued, “Dr. Emmet Zweiss has been studying Wesley’s case, and according to him, he is very close to generating the first human male pregnancy.”

“Wow.” I said, “Makes our breakthrough less spectacular.”

“That is something.” Georgie said, “That is quite a story. I just wonder what this Dr. Zweiss is going to do next.”

“Well, if he’s looking to make the world’s first pregnant man, he’s already too late.” I said, “Unfortunately he doesn’t know that.”

“But still.” Georgie said, “At least we know the world is moving to the same conclusion we arrived at.”

“Well, Wesley’s pregnancy is different than mine.” I said, “His was surgically-generated. Mine was chemically-generated. It’s a different sort of science altogether.”

“But still.” Georgie said, “If you really want to claim being the first pregnant man, we better make sure we have our evidence that says we created a male pregnancy before this Zweiss guy did.”

“It is a threat to our groundbreaking scientific discovery.” I admitted, “But I can’t just tell the news media ‘Oh hey, we found a pregnant man. I’m him.’ They’d go insane.”

“Oh definitely.” Georgie said, “We just better find some good evidence now that you were pregnant before this Zweiss guy even thought of it.”

“Good idea.” I said, “I’ll get right on that.”

“How are you planning on doing that?” he asked.

I paused and looked down. I shook my head, “I have no idea.”

“Neither do I.” Georgie said, “We could have witness testimony, but that wouldn’t work. It’s just hearsay evidence. We need signed documents, or statements.”

“Like a physician’s report.” I said.

“Isn’t the professor your doctor?” Georgie asked.

“She’s my obstetrician.” I said, “She’s not a physician, and I promised her I’d give her credit when we claim our big discovery. So because she’s not a physician, and because she’s an interested party, her word is inadmissible.”

“What about the papers you got from student health services?” Georgie asked, “The ones you brought to your boss?”

“Can’t use that either.” I said, “I don’t know if they’re word would be admissible over Zweiss.”

“That means you’re going to have to find a real doctor who can confirm the pregnancy.” Georgie said.

“And he’ll need to stay uninterested and not tell anyone.” I replied, “Tell me that’s not going to be hard to find.”

“You’re right.” Georgie said, “No doctor is going to let a ground-breaking discovery slip right by.

“We’ll find someone.” I said, “There’s got to be someone with the basic human decency to do that.”

“You get to finding him or her.” Georgie said, “And fast. We have very little time to work this out.”

“Trust me.” I said as I got up, “I know I can.”

“Where are you going?” Georgie turned around and asked.

“I’m going to the supermarket.” I said, “We’re out of feta.”

“Indulge yourself.” Georgie said as he rolled his eyes. I left the dorm, and headed on down to suit my cravings.

__________________

The one and only pregnant man of Middlesex County

Mpregguy

Veteran Member

Status: Offline

Posts: 124

Date: Tue Aug 30 5:33 PM, 2011

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The Next Day…

The three of us were driving into town to meet up at the place that Professor Klein mentioned. By “three”, there was me, sitting in the passenger seat with both hands folded on an engorged belly, Georgie, who was driving us, and Emily, who seeing how she was the baby’s “father”, I thought I would bring her along. We drove into town center and parked behind Arvino’s Pizza. We all got out and walked over to the entrance.

“She better be here.” Georgie said, “I need to discuss things with this ‘Professor Klein’.”

“She’s an honorable woman.” Emily said, “Just keep your cool now. Stressing about it doesn’t help.”

“I just wish it didn’t have to be such a secret, you know?” I asked, “It feels like I’m doing something embarrassing.”

“Well, don’t you want the pregnancy to stay a secret?” Georgie asked, “Isn’t that smart?”

“Yes, but I’d be fine just having after-class appointments, or something like that.” I said, “It seems like she’s going out of her way to distance herself from me.”

“You know those ACE policies.” Emily said, “They’re so strict they’re downright anal.”

“ACE policies?” I asked.

“You know, Acceptable Conduct for Educators.” Emily said, “The rules that say you can’t hump your students.”

“How blunt of you.” Georgie said.

“Be quiet and let’s get to the restaurant.” Emily said.

We walked down the street a bit, and entered Arvino’s Pizza. Sitting at a booth table I could immediately see Professor Klein eating a pizza. “There she is.” I said. The three of us walked over and sat down at the same table.

“Oh good.” She said, “It’s nice to see you three.”

“Yes, it’s great to be checked up on every once in a while.” I said, “How long are you going to be?”

“I’m having my dinner.” She said, “Be patient.”

“Well I was hoping we could do this appointment quickly.” Georgie said, “I am his ride.”

“And you, Emily?” the Professor asked, “What brings you here?”

“Well I-“ she stammered for a bit, “You see, well, I’m the baby’s father.”

“My goodness.” She said, “That’s quite a role-reversal, isn’t it?”

“And it’s all very touching.” I replied, “Remember, this pregnancy is only chemical.”

“It doesn’t matter how it got there.” The Professor said, “The point is that you are pregnant, and you will have a baby. That is the plain truth.”

“And we were reading about Wesley yesterday.” Georgie said, “We thought it was fitting.”

“Sweet Lord…” the professor said, “In the biology department, you can’t enter the building without hearing some conversation about Wesley.”

“Is that the chimp who had a baby?” Emily said, “That is a weird story.”

“And this Dr. Zweiss guy, do you know about him?” I asked.

“Know about him?” the professor smiled, “He was my professor!”

“What?” I asked, “Are you telling me that the man who’s theorizing about getting males pregnant is your teacher?”

“He taught biochemistry to me when I was in college.” She said, “He never openly expressed his fascination for the idea of male pregnancy, but it’s the crown jewel of speculative bioscience. Just talk to any bioscientist about male pregnancy, and they’ll become instantly fascinated. Everyone has their own ideas on if it will work, if it won’t work, and why they hold that idea. Sure, for a long time it was just speculative, but now it seems that Zweiss may actually flesh something out.”

“Do you think that my claim to fame as the world’s first pregnant man is under threat?” I asked.

“No.” she said, “You’ll have long since given birth by the time he even gets an acceptable volunteer to get pregnant. You on the other hand, have to come clean before he does that.”

“What?” I asked, “Couldn’t I get records or documents or anything?”

“Plenty of scientists have tried that.” The professor responded, “You’ll need better than that. You’ll need actual high-quality pregnant man footage.”

“Footage?” I asked, “Who’s going to make it?”

“You will.” She said, “And you’ll need to have some proof of pregnancy in the footage.”

“What?” I asked, “Isn’t there a hospital record somewhere I could get to use?”

“No.” she said, “In the bioscience community, your best beet is to have your pregnancy progress a little more, and then announce it right before you’re due.”

“That’s crazy!” I said.

“Then forget about being the world’s first pregnant man!” the professor said, “If you’re not willing to inadvertently cause a media storm let Dr. Zweiss do it. I’m pretty sure he’ll happily go through with it.”

“He’s right, though.” Emily said, “Announcing his pregnancy to anyone would set off a media firestorm.”

“Then I suggest taking the low road.” She said, “Be discreet about it. Have your baby in private. Write a dissertation later about developments in male pregnancy. Maybe you could then mention you were pregnant in that. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you have your baby clean and healthy.”

“Right.” I said, “And we need to get the appointment done to make sure that happens.”

“I think I’ve finished now.” The professor said, “Georgie, you can follow us in your car. Follow me to my house. It’s only twenty minutes from here.”

“Well,” Emily said, “Let’s go.”

We followed Professor Klein’s car up Route 495 until we finally pulled into her driveway. I could barely see her house, but I could tell it was enormous. I knew full-time professors had a high salary, but I never suspected she’d have a mansion on Long Island. We got out of the car and followed her up to the door. She seemed to be very discreet about the whole maneuver. She opened the door to the mansion and flicked on the lights. I entered the main hallway of the building, which was big and spacious. I nodded to myself. Professor Klein continued to look discreet.

Georgie also noticed her precautions and said, “What are you doing?”

“Being careful.” She said, “You know, researchers are taught to be careful when they have ideas to protect. After all, ideas are the currency of science.”

“There’s a difference between being careful and being paranoid.” Georgie said, “It looks to me like you’re ready to cross it.”

Professor Klein walked slowly over to the door and shut it. She closed three locks on the door. “Maybe when you enter the world of physics you’ll understand exactly why these precautions need to be made.”

“Well, it’s not like your walking crouched into your house and slamming the door behind you doesn’t attract attention.” Emily was sarcastic.

The professor rolled her eyes, “Let’s just forget it, and go to the exam room.”

“Wait,” I said, “You have an exam room?”

“Yes.” She said as we walked upstairs, “It’s modeled after an operating room, but it has many uses.”

“How well equipped is it?” I asked.

“Probably hospital-grade.” She said.

“Wow.” Georgie said, “One of those rooms probably costs twice as much as my parents’ house.”

“It was my grandfather’s ambition.” She said, “He always wanted to be a surgeon.”

“Grandfather?” I asked, “Was this his house?”

“Yes.” She said, “He had quite a few of his ambitions made into rooms around here.”

“I don’t mean to pry.” Emily said, “But what did your grandfather do that allowed him to purchase a house this… well… ritzy?”

“He was an inventor.” She said, “You ever heard of George Klein?”

We all shook our heads. “He invented a few helpful devices in his time. He helped create the first wheelchair for quadriplegic people. He also invented a staple gun for microsurgery. Probably his most famous invention was the robotic arm on the space shuttle missions.”

“Wow.” I said, “That’s quite a repertoire of inventions.”

“Needless to say, he built this place.” She said, “Even though he lived in Canada.”

“Well,” I said, “does that mean he made the exam room too?”

“Yes.” She said as we approached the room. I looked from the outside like a regular room. She opened a large wooden door. As we walked in, I saw there was a sliding glass door behind it. We went through the door and stepped into the exam room. Professor Klein was definitely right; it looked very much like an operating room. It freaked me out slightly to know I was going to be checked up upon in here.

She slipped on some exam gloves and motioned over to the padded bench on the side of the room. “Take a seat.” She said.

I did just that. She walked over to me, but before she got there she stopped and turned around and looked at Emily and Georgie. The two looked confused. “Is something wrong?” Georgie asked.

“Nothing much.” She said, “I was just thinking we might have some privacy.”

“Right.” Georgie said, “I’m squeamish, so I’ll be leaving.” He turned around and walked out. Emily began to turn around and I watched her go.

“You don’t have to leave, Emily.” The Professor said.

“What?” Emily asked.

“Unless Will really wants you to.” She said facing me.

“Of course not.” I replied, “She can stay.”

“Then it might be a good idea for you to stay.” The Professor said, “Seeing as how you are the father, and an exam like this might be in your future.”

“Maybe.” She said as she sat down on the chair next to the table, “Maybe it’ll be in my future.”

“Good qualifier.” I said.

“Alright.” The Professor said, “Take off your shoes.”

I did that. After that she took my height and weight. I came out to be 5’5”, and weighed 131 pounds. I got back on the exam table. The professor then took out her stethoscope and placed it up to my chest. “Breathe.” She said.

I took deep breaths in and out. She nodded her head, and then listened to my heartbeat. “This is it?” Emily asked, “It seems like a routine physical.”

“It starts out that way.” Professor Klein said, “That is until I pull this out.” She grabbed an obstetric stethoscope from a drawer. “I haven’t used this in years.” She pressed it up my belly and turned up the volume. We heard the rapid-pacing of the baby’s heartbeat. I had heard it many times before, but this time it was so much more real to me. Emily smiled and nodded. The Professor’s stethoscope displayed some number at her, and she wrote it down. It must have been important.

“Okay.” She said, “Now I have to ask you a few questions. You may sit up.”

“Great.” I asked, “What are they?”

“How are you feeling?” the professor asked.

“How am I feeling?” I wasn’t sure if I heard her correctly.

“Is that really on your sheet?” Emily asked.

“Yes.” The professor said, “Most physicians find that by asking that question you can pinpoint a problem very well. After all, how are we supposed to know if anything’s wrong, if I can’t feel what he’s feeling?”

“Point taken.” Emily said.

“I’m feeling great.” I said, “Like, really great right now. I feel really energized, and I just haven’t had the stress that I’ve felt last year.”

“Hm, that’s good.” She wrote it down.

“Is that a common response?” I asked.

The Professor laughed, “You need not worry if how you’re feeling is normal. But if you must know, most women I’ve asked that question to around your stage of pregnancy said the same thing.”

“Really.” I said, “How come?”

“It might have to do with hormones.” The Professor Klein said, “They’re probably giving you the extra energy to deal with motherhood.”

“Okay.” I said.

“Now what was your weight before getting pregnant?” she asked.

“Geez, I’m not sure if I can remember.” I said, “I think I was 120.”

“Well,” she said, “You’ve definitely gained more weight than most 19 week-pregnant women.”

“Is that bad?” I asked.

“No.” she said, “I can expect you’ll gain one and a half times as much weight as a normal pregnant woman gains, seeing how as a man, you had little curves to start with.”

Emily giggled when she heard that, “So are you saying Will’s going to look feminine?”

“Not necessarily.” She said, “I mean, he’ll have a woman’s stature from the neck down, but what he does with his appearance is entirely his choice.”

“Good.” I said, “I prefer at least appearing male.”

“Another question, and this one is off the record.” The professor said, “How did this pregnancy happen? I had heard you mention before that it was chemical.”

“It is.” I said, “I ingested a batch of chemicals that coaxed my body to form an egg. I must have self-fertilized it, and it must have found the perfect place to implant.”

“Where did these chemicals come from?” she asked.

“Emily and I made them.” I said.

“How?”

“In a laboratory experiment.” I said.

“And you ingested them?” the professor looked surprised.

“By mistake.” I said.

The professor laughed, “You are a living example of why we urge students to be careful in the lab!”

“Very funny.” I said, “I know this sounds surreal.”

“Really.” Emily said, “I’ve heard a lot of lab warnings in the past, but now we can say that improper use of the chemicals may lead to poisoning, blindness, illness, and pregnancy.”

“That’s a new one.” The professor said.

“I’m glad you find the development of new life amusing!” I became defensive, and I clasped my hands to my belly.

“Alright, alright.” The professor said, “So you made a small mistake, and you’re pregnant now. I get it. Next question.”

“Good.” I said.

“When did you know for a fact you were pregnant?” she asked.

“Last month.” I said.

“Okay.” She wrote down a note, “So you were already pretty far along by the time you found out.”

“Yes.” I said.

“Did you do anything to harm the baby in that time?”

“Like what?” I asked.

“Smoke, drink, ingesting of other lab materials?”

“No.” I said, “Staying drug-free is a principle of mine, and I’m very sure I didn’t eat any other dangerous chemicals.”

“Great.” She said, “You may have a healthy baby yet. Now let me continue with the examination.” I lay back on the table, and she proceeded to lift my shirt up. She exposed my nipples, which I had noticed were beginning to swell up. She squeezed them and I looked very quizzically at her. “Well,” she said, “it looks like your body is preparing to nurture the baby.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Oh my God…” Emily said, “Is Will getting breasts?”

“Apparently so.” She said.

“What?!” I shouted, “Is that what that tingling feeling I’ve been getting there is?”

“Yes.” The professor said, “That happens in normal pregnant women too. You’ll probably need a nursing bra by the end of this.”

“Oh my God.” Emily laughed, “This is getting better and better.”

“I thought I said procreation was nothing to laugh about!” I snapped, losing control in a near-hormonal fit, “There’s something magnificent happening inside of me. Something that no man has probably ever experienced.” My hands floated down and I began to rub my belly, “This is something special for me. I’m not going to forsake it. And you shouldn’t either.”

“You’re right.” Emily said, “I shouldn’t laugh. I should be proud of you for having the reserve, and courage to be the first human male pregnant, and I should be thankful that you’d carry my children.” At that moment she moved closer to me and took my hand into hers. My heart leapt when she did that. I had been waiting for us to hold hands for so long. I smiled and savored the moment.

“Well, that was surreal.” The professor said.

“Sorry.” Emily said as she let go. I felt my pulse go back down to normal as she sat back.

“Okay.” The professor said, “I’m probably going to go ahead and feel your belly now.”

“Okay.” I lay back again. The professor lifted up my shirt and looked down at my belly. She placed her hand right below my navel and lightly pressed down. She moved her hand further up along the curve of my belly.

“I can feel you have a uterus.” She said.

“How’s that possible?” I asked.

“It feels just like a thin wall of muscle.” She said.

“Isn’t that what a uterus is?” Emily asked.

“Exactly.” The professor said, “I think your body has grown one of its own.”

“At least I know nature always wins.” I said.

“You feel normal.” She said, “Looks to me like you’re going to have the full forty weeks, like any other woman.”

“Great.” I asked, “Anything else?”

“Yes.” She said, “This will only happen once, but I need to get a blood sample to test you for diseases, as well as whatever hormones may be present.”

“Fine.” I said as I rolled up my sleeve. She then proceeded to stick a needle right into my elbow after swabbing it down. She filled up four vials with my blood, and then disinfected the area and closed up the wounds.”

“Thanks.” She said, “It looks like this appointment is over.”

“Wait a second, professor.” I said, “There’s one thing I need to know.”

“What is it?” she asked.

“When I read about the first obstetric appointment, I read something about checking to see if the cervix is closed.” I said, “Can’t we do that?”

“Not until I see a vagina.” She said, “Otherwise, there’s no other birth canal.”

“Really?” I asked.

“Yes.” She said, “and even if you did have a vagina, I still couldn’t ask you to get naked. After all, I am still you’re teacher, and will definitely get fired for something like that.”

“I understand.” I said as I hopped off the table and walked to the door. “Thanks again for the help.”

“No problem.” She said, “Now get back to your dorm before people start wondering what happened to you!”

I walked out of the exam room and towards the door. Georgie followed us as we exited the room. “Hey, how’d it go?” he asked.

“Great.” I said, “I feel healthy, I look healthy, and I just feel radiant.”

“Wow, does sound like mood swings.” Georgie said.

“Hey, I think Will is doing a noble thing by agreeing to bring new life into the world.” Emily said, “I still think pregnancy is a beautiful process.”

“Yes.” I said as I rubbed my belly, “I quite agree.”

__________________

The one and only pregnant man of Middlesex County

KaseysLove

Newbie

Status: Offline

Posts: 4

Date: Thu Sep 1 11:50 PM, 2011

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really good story i cant wait for more~!!!!! __________________

hyena

Member

Status: Offline

Posts: 36

Date: Fri Oct 7 6:23 PM, 2011

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Wow, I can't wait to read more! I wonder how romance between Will and Emily will develop. __________________

Siren215

Member

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Posts: 11

Date: Wed Nov 23 12:05 AM, 2011

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Great story wish it was Will X Georgie but still luv it eagerly awaiting next chapter ;) __________________

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